After reading ‘After You’ – a sequel to ‘Me Before You’, I have realized I’m no different than Louisa Clark. I have been in the same dream life as she was.
Same Old Life
I am stuck in the same place and same surroundings for the last 21 years. I have no whatsoever adventure or outdoor experience or dream. But at the same time, Did I try to change my life the way I always want to? The answer is no. The fear is always there. The conditional question “what-ifs” have become the main obstacle in my life and have prevented from growing personally and professionally too.
Back Then
Now that I think about these ‘what ifs’, I think it was just unnecessary thinking and emotions. I am questioning myself, back then, why I wasn’t brave enough to fight for myself, why I wasn’t confident about the way I look, or just the way I am. Maybe, it can be a childhood trauma that I had deep buried inside my heart that I couldn’t do anything but feel fearful and afraid of changes.
I had my demons that kept me locked inside a cage and insecurities that made me overthink everything. And, it may be because I had no one to rely on as someone elder that could have guided me. It could be my different personality from others that excluded me in a lot of things as I have already mentioned in My Dreams Till Now, I was a very quiet and calm child.
I’m not going to waste a glorious Saturday doing the same thing I’ve done for thirty years. I’m going to have an adventure.
Well, I don’t think I have to say a lot about the above quote. And, it is from “after you” and I must tell you there are more inspirational quotes that I will share a few in this blog.
Regarding this quote, it hit me hard in the heart. Like, it was so relatable and I was in awe and there rang some kind of warning bell. I finally realized what I’d been doing till now when I should be having an adventure in my life. This adventure is like a far away dream that won’t come true. As I’ve said above I have done nothing to change and have been doing the same thing for the last 21 years. But, when I look at the past, it became even worse and I’ll tell you why.
First Reason
Do you know how stifling it is to be told you’re never going to be able to change? For the rest of your life? Because nobody else wants you to? Do you know how awful it is to feel stuck?
It is really awful to feel stuck and it’s even worse when you’re told from the beginning during your childhood you’re never going to be able to change. For the rest of your life? Maybe. It actually creates insecurities when a child is just developing and learning about social life and society. Not only in childhood but during teenage age too, it affects a lot mentally.
Now that I am in my adult age, I am realizing, it is not so different than before. Instead, now there is more judgment around you. You get attacked in different ways by different people. You are judged for everything you do or say. Even when you’re in your learning phase, people will just attack and point out your imperfections, ignoring your all hard work and effort.
Like, we are not born perfectionists okay. Of course, we are here to learn but in a loving and caring way. And, damn I don’t care, whether I’m doing things perfectly or not, like who cares? I am lovable just the way I am.
Second Reason
Honestly, I don’t feel like going outside, making friends, socializing, and doing whatever others are doing at my age. All of them are living their best life – traveling around, having parties, going to their brothers’, sisters’, and even their friend’s weddings, and moving on with their life. And, here I am, literally thinking about ‘what-ifs’ the whole day. I have stopped enjoying anything and I’ve turned myself off from everything. It’s something like the below quote:
I feel like I’ve turned myself off for the past two years. Like I wouldn’t let anyone get close to me because of what happened. I mean, what’s the point of getting close to someone if you’re only going to lose them?
Looking Back Past Years
Looking back, I’ve not made friends or gotten close to anyone for like 4 -5 years. And, the reason is I lost so many friends in the middle of this period. After passing the school, my closest friend group drifted apart choosing different paths in life, nevertheless, some of us are still in touch but some don’t. Similarly, I had fun in high school and made great friends. But, things change and so will people.
This had hurt me more than I thought. Losing someone close to you, one day, you were so close to each other and the next day you are just a stranger to each other. I am not blaming anyone cause it’s just a life. People change with time and there comes no reason to stay together. Different people have different ambitions and dreams that they want to achieve, you may or may not be included in the process. And, everyone knows that, and everyone has moved on except me, I guess.
I am someone who gets attached to someone deeply when I feel there is a connection and with that emotional attachment comes greater pain and grief that I have already experienced by losing friends. So, I thought what’s the point of getting close to someone if you’re only going to lose them? and suddenly, I stopped including someone in my life.
Realizing What I Need To Do
But it’s something I had to acknowledge and move on as said in the quote below:
But the other day I started thinking about what I actually want out of life and I realized it was someone to love. Because you got to move on, right? You got to see some kind of future.
Now I started thinking about what I actually want out of life and I realized it was someone to love. Because you got to move on, right? You got to see some kind of future. I have held onto the past more than I want and it is time to let go and move on. It’s finally time to free myself and have an adventure. It’s time to love myself and do whatever I want.
Present Now
At present, I’ve realized I haven’t grown a bit in choosing or fighting for what I want because I still don’t even know what I want.
I am studying at a prestigious college yet I am still thinking about what if I would drop out and try something else. Currently, I am preparing for my internship but still I am not sure about the path I’m choosing. I am working hard, yes, I am doing everything in my hand that I can yet I don’t feel rewarded.
Life has not turned out the way I wanted. I’ve made a lot of regretful decisions and still think out ‘what-ifs’ – Had I chosen to do another thing and take another path, would I have been happier? Nevertheless, I don’t want to keep dwelling on the past and I want to change and do something. That is why despite I don’t know where I’m going, there is still a little hope for something better.
Actual Dream
Yes, I still dream of being happy and loving my life to its fullest but as you can see the reality is so much different that what you actually dream. Still, I am trying to improve myself, re-gaining my old self back, enjoying little things in life and letting go of the hurtful memories and pasts. It’s not an easy process and will take a lot of time to heal and be real and raw. One thing that I know is I am not going to give up and will keep on moving forward cause ‘Life Goes On‘.
What are your dreams??
Really, what are your dreams right now? Be fearless to share your even weirdest dreams in the comment section, I promise you, I won’t judge.
Want to know more? Read My Dream Till Now.
